It was a recurring joke amongst my family and friends that I was unable to ‘adult’ today. I know that you do tend to feel 18 in your head and be ‘young at heart’ regardless of your age. But I never really had a feeling of being a responsible adult.

Over the last two years I’ve had to do a lot of work on myself – you know , that ‘hippy dippy’ inner work, reflecting on who I am and what I want. One of the most obvious truths that came out of this, but one I’d never recognised or voiced before, was the safety and security of being in a institutionalised structure and for me that was school.

From the age of 4, until two years ago, I had been at school in some form or another from primary school through to being a teacher for 30 years. When I was asked what drew me to teaching, I always cited the fact that I had really enjoyed my time at school, primary and secondary. It was lovely small village primary school where I was very happy and I was lucky enough to go on to a small grammar school where I was also, for the most part, happy. My university of choice was also on a small campus and again, it offered that familiar security. What I didn’t see was that because I felt safe in those environments, when it came to choosing a future career, I chose teaching because of the ‘safety’ I perceived in that job.

In fact over the years, I secretly had shame that I wasn’t drawn to teaching as a vocation, to shape someone’s future, to make a difference…it was simply because it was a place I knew and felt safe. And that mentality of always being in school helped me hide from the grown up stuff. As did having supportive parents and a Dad who would do anything for me!

Owning my own house, having my own family and even ending up for a time in senior leadership in work, all of these things happened to an adult who didn’t feel like an adult.

It’s only now on the other side of menopause and the seismic shift that happened around that in my life, do I feel like I’m starting to take responsibility for my ‘adulting’. That phrase ‘life begins at 40…50…60’ whatever, is a reality! Some of those adult decisions which flipped my life 180° were made with huge risks and an air of carelessness, but oddly were probably the most grown up decisions I’ve ever made.

I left teaching with only a dream and a hope and an inkling of what I wanted to do next when I could have ridden it out, building up my final salary figure. The only regret I have now is that I didn’t make the decision sooner. Because , if I’d made the decision sooner, in a place of calm instead of crisis, I could have built a side hustle, had something definite and tangible to move towards. That might have reassured those around me that leaving teaching wasn’t a crazy move. I’m totally fine with it! I knew it was the best decision for me at the time, but it also took me some months to sit comfortably and naturally with that decision.

It sounds a bit of an ‘ick’ but I’m stepping into my power and taking hold of reins of my life, instead of just following that school -> university -> teaching in schools conveyor belt. I firmly believe that what comes to you is meant for you so I know the universe is ok with me growing up now too.

Menopause can be a real b*tch but it has helped me to grow up and one day I might find adulting easy…hmmm we’ll see…

Jill x